Sunday, July 08, 2007

words

A few minutes ago I called up a "friend" (happy now?) . I'm relieved to have spoken to her even for just a few minutes. It's just amazing how life is. People go through different paths in life, yet in a way or two we are still connected somehow. I saw this commercial on t.v. about mental illness. First, the guy had a lot of friends. These so called friends were his "social" friends. Then the next scene was like his friends who showed up on moving day. Then after that, when he got sick with mental illness and all of that he only had one friend for him. Basically, it just showed how much friends you may have in quantity, but the quality friends are rare. I truly care about this friend of mine that's why I had to write this blog. She's going through a lot right now. I love her so much that it hurts to see her suffer and kind of messed up right now.


I'm really not the emo type of person. It's hard for me to really say how I feel, but lately life has been good that I took the extra step to really make people truly feel appreciated. I've tried to verbalize my feelings as well as how much I appreciate the friendship/love. If only I've been able to do this before, maybe I wouldn't have lost so much people in my life but life is like a cycle - you lose some and you win some. People go through a lot of things in life to learn from their mistakes. When moments like these cross my mind sometimes I feel embarassed as to why I did this or why I didn't do that, but in the end I tell myself at least I learned from it and no regrets.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I ask myself if I'm still the same person 3-4 years ago and I realize I'm not. I've learned how to appreciate and feel appreciated. I've learned how to be patient and work hard for something I really want. I've learned how to get rid of people who aren't really good for me in my life. I guess the things I've experience has shaped me to be the person that I am right now.

It's just funny really that I am typing away my thoughts lately.

Over dinner today, I had a good conversation with E. He's a self-made man taking up his second master's in the fall at Stanford. We talked about love, money, and self-contentment. It was a simple dinner, nothing fancy. The conversation revolved over a Jollibbee meal (I memorized the spelling, yeehhah!) of a cheeseburger yum, burger steak, and chicken joy plus a pandesal from out of nowhere. He grew up in the Philippines part of his life like me, so in a way we relate to each other. We talked about our jobs. I told him I could have made a lot of money doing this and that in the Philippines or here in the US and he could have made a lot of money also doing business stuff here or in the Philippines. Basically, what we came up with is that what we are doing now is something we enjoy and at the same time help people. Money isn't everything although we need it, but it's not what makes us happy. What's really important is that you have a family to go home to and supports you and a close network of friends who you can always rely on no matter what the situation is. True, that it's hard to find a good circle of friends here, that's why I always come back to my friends in the Philippines especially BCD. E and I both feel contented with what we're doing. And with love, we talked about my C and his girl. We talked about how things are getting serious and the uncertainty of the relationships. I told him, to just take it one day at a time and no pressure. I hope he will be taking my advice. To sum it all up, it was a conversation that I've longed for. Nothing stupid or senseless. Conversations like this I truly miss.

On a more serious part of my life....with a stick of cig just a thought:

For the people I've loved whether it was a good or bad experience, I hold no grudges or hatred. No matter what, those experiences will be a part of my life even if I try to erase some of them. Although some gave me a tough time, I never regretted it. I don't know if I am a weird person, but for the people I have loved I still care for them that's all. I hope you all are in a good place.

It is true what people say though, that in your whole lifetime there will only be one person who you will truly love and care about for the rest of your life. I think I have met that person. It's like no matter how many people I will love, I will truly care for you and love you. It's weird that it's the way it is, but that's how my life is. It's not that I'm cheating C or any other person who will come after him if ever there will be one (*crossing my fingers*), but I do believe we are made specifically to love and care for someone even though it might not be a happy ending.

For you: Sad as it may seem, but as long as we're both happy with other people it's GREAT! I just wish you are well taken care of and truly happy. That's how I want to see you as. I see you from time to time and I hope you're taking care of yourself and not rely on other people to take care of you. It's great to have talked to you even for just a short while. You truly made me happy, but our stars aren't aligned for each other. It's weird that after all these years I still feel the same way for you, but the longing isn't there anymore. What's important is that I still care and love you, I hope somehow you'll know. Years may pass and we may definitely drift apart, but I hope you will know that in your whole life time there is that one person who never stopped loving and caring for you -ME.

In this thing we call life everybody just wants to be loved unconditionally and you are one lucky bastard because I will truly love you for the rest of my life. (*smiles*)

If you are ever wondering about right now, I'm happy. I'm not rushing into anything with C. If we end up together it's GREAT, if not then life moves on just like how I moved on without you. There will be tears to shed and hurt to heal, but life doesn't stop there. Life has a lot to offer. Happiness will always be in one place or another. When my life comes in full circle, I am happy I met you even for just a moment.

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