words

A few minutes ago I called up a "friend" (happy now?) . I'm relieved to have spoken to her even for just a few minutes. It's just amazing how life is. People go through different paths in life, yet in a way or two we are still connected somehow. I saw this commercial on t.v. about mental illness. First, the guy had a lot of friends. These so called friends were his "social" friends. Then the next scene was like his friends who showed up on moving day. Then after that, when he got sick with mental illness and all of that he only had one friend for him. Basically, it just showed how much friends you may have in quantity, but the quality friends are rare. I truly care about this friend of mine that's why I had to write this blog. She's going through a lot right now. I love her so much that it hurts to see her suffer and kind of messed up right now.


I'm really not the emo type of person. It's hard for me to really say how I feel, but lately life has been good that I took the extra step to really make people truly feel appreciated. I've tried to verbalize my feelings as well as how much I appreciate the friendship/love. If only I've been able to do this before, maybe I wouldn't have lost so much people in my life but life is like a cycle - you lose some and you win some. People go through a lot of things in life to learn from their mistakes. When moments like these cross my mind sometimes I feel embarassed as to why I did this or why I didn't do that, but in the end I tell myself at least I learned from it and no regrets.

Lately, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I ask myself if I'm still the same person 3-4 years ago and I realize I'm not. I've learned how to appreciate and feel appreciated. I've learned how to be patient and work hard for something I really want. I've learned how to get rid of people who aren't really good for me in my life. I guess the things I've experience has shaped me to be the person that I am right now.

It's just funny really that I am typing away my thoughts lately.

Over dinner today, I had a good conversation with E. He's a self-made man taking up his second master's in the fall at Stanford. We talked about love, money, and self-contentment. It was a simple dinner, nothing fancy. The conversation revolved over a Jollibbee meal (I memorized the spelling, yeehhah!) of a cheeseburger yum, burger steak, and chicken joy plus a pandesal from out of nowhere. He grew up in the Philippines part of his life like me, so in a way we relate to each other. We talked about our jobs. I told him I could have made a lot of money doing this and that in the Philippines or here in the US and he could have made a lot of money also doing business stuff here or in the Philippines. Basically, what we came up with is that what we are doing now is something we enjoy and at the same time help people. Money isn't everything although we need it, but it's not what makes us happy. What's really important is that you have a family to go home to and supports you and a close network of friends who you can always rely on no matter what the situation is. True, that it's hard to find a good circle of friends here, that's why I always come back to my friends in the Philippines especially BCD. E and I both feel contented with what we're doing. And with love, we talked about my C and his girl. We talked about how things are getting serious and the uncertainty of the relationships. I told him, to just take it one day at a time and no pressure. I hope he will be taking my advice. To sum it all up, it was a conversation that I've longed for. Nothing stupid or senseless. Conversations like this I truly miss.

On a more serious part of my life....with a stick of cig just a thought:

For the people I've loved whether it was a good or bad experience, I hold no grudges or hatred. No matter what, those experiences will be a part of my life even if I try to erase some of them. Although some gave me a tough time, I never regretted it. I don't know if I am a weird person, but for the people I have loved I still care for them that's all. I hope you all are in a good place.

It is true what people say though, that in your whole lifetime there will only be one person who you will truly love and care about for the rest of your life. I think I have met that person. It's like no matter how many people I will love, I will truly care for you and love you. It's weird that it's the way it is, but that's how my life is. It's not that I'm cheating C or any other person who will come after him if ever there will be one (*crossing my fingers*), but I do believe we are made specifically to love and care for someone even though it might not be a happy ending.

For you: Sad as it may seem, but as long as we're both happy with other people it's GREAT! I just wish you are well taken care of and truly happy. That's how I want to see you as. I see you from time to time and I hope you're taking care of yourself and not rely on other people to take care of you. It's great to have talked to you even for just a short while. You truly made me happy, but our stars aren't aligned for each other. It's weird that after all these years I still feel the same way for you, but the longing isn't there anymore. What's important is that I still care and love you, I hope somehow you'll know. Years may pass and we may definitely drift apart, but I hope you will know that in your whole life time there is that one person who never stopped loving and caring for you -ME.

In this thing we call life everybody just wants to be loved unconditionally and you are one lucky bastard because I will truly love you for the rest of my life. (*smiles*)

If you are ever wondering about right now, I'm happy. I'm not rushing into anything with C. If we end up together it's GREAT, if not then life moves on just like how I moved on without you. There will be tears to shed and hurt to heal, but life doesn't stop there. Life has a lot to offer. Happiness will always be in one place or another. When my life comes in full circle, I am happy I met you even for just a moment.

gatorade

I really don't have the patience to type down my thoughts but lately I just had all the time in the world and it actually makes me feel good to express my thoughts in print.

I never really believed much about Gatorade, but today was really hot and I decided to buy myself a 6 pack and brought it to the beach in the cooler. As I was thinkin and reading, I opened one bottle after another. I don't know if it was the "all in the mind" crap that got me, but drinking gatorade actually made me feel cooler. hmmmmm... all that marketing scheme is surely paying off for them. dangit.

Till next time, I am off to lalaland......

soccer

It's official. I am turning in my jerseys, shin guards, and shoes to a dear old brown box. When I got home from the beach today, I thought long and hard about soccer and I decided to stop playing the game permanently. It was good while it lasted. I had a lot of fun. Thanks for the great memories you gave me, I will truly miss you. But it's time to move on. =)

Me

I spent most of today at the beach just thinking/bumming. I haven't done this in a long time. Usually, I'd just be too out of focused during the day thinking of so many things, but today I knew I had to take time out and just chillax - reexamine myself and everything around me.

Two months from now, I would be back in SoCal for 2 years- how fast. A lot of things have changed - my outlook in life especially. When I was in the Flipland, everything seemed to be okay but a thing or two would be missing. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, but I left because I needed a breather from all of it and to find myself. After almost two years of finding myself, I think I have. I have also realized who my true friends and those who I can rely on. Life in the Philippines seemed to be kind of shallow for a time when people around me sometimes just thought of the fun part of life. They never just seemed to think about the real world.

I've stuck to my close circle of friends. We talk on a regular basis which is great. The here and there friends, yeah we chat or email once in a while which is okay. One thing I have realized about friendship over the years is that you have to endure so much crazy shit together to appreciate one another. And the crazy shit isn't something you all dread on doing, but just taking it as a whole lot of fun or just laugh about it after. I have met people who came and left my life which I really don't give a flying fuck about them. Those people are just really shallow and I feel bad for them. It's like those people aren't really happy, but they pretend to be. Oh, one thing I hate also is two faced people. I can name a few, but not here =P

Aside from knowing who my true friends are, I have realized that I am contented with my life especially right now. If you were to ask me if there was anything else missing in my life, there wouldn't be. I have a great job which I really enjoy, I work with great people, my neighbors are cool, my friends are great, I have I think the best boyfriend (all girls think their bf's are the best), and most important of all the love and closeness in my family. I can die right now and not regret or ask for anything else. When you are truly happy, it seems like you're on a happy drug all the time which I am 24/7 for the past 10 months thanks to everyone especially Corie. I love you so much. =)

My Bestfriend

After a great 4th of July party I woke up in a panicky mood. I woke up with three texts from my best gal - the hangover just really went away in a milisecond. At first I couldn't connect what she was texting, so I decided to call. Boy oh boy, she was a mess. She was drunk and talking about this and that. This is one of those texts that you dread getting when you are half-way around the world.

I know she has it hard. All I can give her are advices I think will work, yet it hasn't. I feel like I failed her right now for not being physically there.

I hope one day you wil be okay. It's not gonna be easy, but you just have to keep yourself together and be strong for yourself biatch. Forget about the other person, think about yourself. Sometimes, love just has to take a time out. You are a great person, there will be someone else for you who will truly appreciate and sacrifice with you all throughout.

One thing I realized from my experiences and from friends' experiences is that to truly love another person unconditionaly is that after the break up, getting over, putting your life back together and all the other steps, you wish the other person happiness all the time regardless how you may feel about it and to still care even though that person may not even know you still do or won't give you the time of day. For me, that is to love unconditionally.

So biatch, I hope after a few months/years...... you will be this way towards *****

you.

It wasn't only until yesterday that I admitted to myself that I still care and love you. I pretended not to care, but I still do a whole lot. You cross my mind more than you think. I think of you more than you think. It was some time ago, but it's weird. So wherever you are, I hope in some ways you'll know. I don't know how else to go about it. I guess to simply state it is clearer than to elaborate. You just take care.

bugged

I don't know how to start this blog, my mind is confused. Everything happening all at the same time - moving, having a boyfriend who is great, the time of the month, and starting a new job PLUS a really bad migraine. I woke up with a big migraine. Good thing C wasn't with me or else I would have transferred all my crankiness to him. I am really bugged about something though. I feel really really really a billion times guilty. The first thing that I thought of when I woke up was my ex. I know I shouldn't be thinking about the ex anymore, I don't know why I did. I even dreamt about the ex. Could I still be inlove with the ex unconsciously? I mean, I've never thought of anyone except C since we got together. I am really bugged. I feel like a two timing girlfriend. Oh God help me, not another dilema in my life. This is all that I can handle for the moment.

A thought over pasta dinner.

There used to be a time when things were great between us. We were happy, that was the bottom line. Then things got messed up and I hated you. As time passed, I became okay. There are times and things that make me remember you. It is true what they say, people that matter(ed) to you are hard to just forget. I know there will come a time where we can just sit back, relax and talk. I will wait for that day.

6/10 cuzzy's bday!

OH! It's my cousin's birthday today. Happy Bday Cuz!!! Soccer season starts tomorrow for me. Yehey!!! But a bummer because games are on Sundays, so no rest day for me!!! And I'm gonna be watching David Beckham play for the Galaxy's. YEY!!!! Please pray no more trips to the ER for me due to a sprained tendon. please please!!!!

Night y'all.

vampires and love

It's around midnight on a Sunday, clicking away and watching a documentary on vampires. The person next to me is sound asleep like a baby. (awww...).We had a long day today. C's softball team had a game today and the weather was really hot and dry. As the supportive girlfriend, I was under the sun for 2 hours with my Budweiser cap on. Eversince C and I started "hanging out" I have started to drink beer again. I never liked the taste, but I guess you get used to it after a while. I still prefer Tequila Rose though, but being one of the guys I had to set the craving aside.

Did you know that the Chinese had their own stories about vampires? How odd, I never knew. I always thought my ancestors were the work, work, and work type without any fun. I'm just lucky that I'm so different compared to them, even with my cousins now.Something has been bugging me a lot lately. It keeps me out of focused and that "thought" has been constantly in my mind. Before going to Corie's house yesterday, I just had to go to the gym to take my mind off ot it. I thought doing the semi rowing machine for 10,000 meters would help, but it didn't.
I've realized that the more I am alone, the more that I think of it.

Lately, I have been thinking if the life I have is what I really want. My two good friends are in Korea and seem to be having a blast. The three of us are in similar situations. We easily get restless and bored doing the same thing, that's why we always move around. I know most people prefer stability or things that are familiar to them, but as for me the more familiar something is the more that I lose interest. Surprisingly, ever since Corie and I started going out it seems that my view on losing interest has changed. The independent me has become someone who is reliable and dependent on another. I have been so used to being independent that I felt weired out that someone was looking after me. I haven't felt this way for the longest time. Yeah I've dated and got into relationships, but situations like this doesn't really happen a lot.While he lays sleeping beside me, I ask myself again and again if this is real. It is. Though he may not be perfect, he brings out the best in me and I hope I bring out the best in him. The only dilema that I have not is that I'll be moving in a few days. We will be around 75 miles apart.
I know I should be optimistic, but the rational me is telling me to just shut him out of my life soon so that I won't get hurt.

Hurt? I've been burnt several times. It took a while to recover. I felt hurt and anger during those times, but as time passed I've realized that without those experiences I wouldn't be the person that I am now. It doesn't mean though that I still carry the grudges that I once felt. I've let it go. It's just sometimes things I did or have said, I wish I never did. It wouldn't have made things complicated. But what can I do, I've said it and have done it. I just have to be adult enough to accept the consequences.I am an extrovert. I'd rather say things than just keep it in. That's why, after I blow off I'm calm again. I should change that part of me.Am I weird for watching the History channel so much? I even TiVo shows that I miss because of work. I'm just happy right now that life is goig well for me. I'm crossing my fingers that when I move, everything will be alright. I'm not expecting things to be perfect because they never are.

Wow, I'm surprised I've had enough patience to type my thoughts. I'm really impatient, so a pat on the back for me. YEY!

12-06

Going home for the holidays was a blast. I was with family and partied with my friends. I chillaxed most of the time though. I missed the laid back life in Bacolod, although I helped out in the office. I shopped, went out, and ate a lot in Manila. I was supposed to go to Bora with my PBC's but a typhoon hit Bora, damnit! Gee, I almost forgot how great it was to be with good company. Just laughing and not care about anything. I missed the laughing and the teasing. I miss you guys! See you again 12/07! Thanks for the great time. It was great seeing all of you, and I mean all of you. =)

Relationships

I was talking to one of my best friends about relationships earlier and a lot of things struck me. Although we talked about random stuff too, but talking about relationships struck me.

Lately, I've been thinking about my future - family, career, etc. At this point in my life, I can say I'm very much contented with everything. I'm happy with my job, things in the family is great, and my friends are great. But when I start thinking about relationships, it struck me that I really haven't had a long term relationship. Sounds funny huh? I meet a lot of guys, but most of them I'm really not interested. Some of the guys I meet are just the "friend" type of guy. Problem is, when I get too friendly with them they get the wrong message. Ugh! Then there are those that I really like, but are too serious. I mean, yeah we're dating and all that, but I don't think about marrying you after just a few months of dating. Oh yeah, and there are the stalker type and the cheap ass type (remember the parking???? if you're a good friend of mine you know this story.so eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! and he thought he was all that!! excuse me!!!)

LIFE! Maybe my bestfriend is right, by 30 and we're both not married, I should marry him. Come to think of it, I can really see myself with him. He knows me so well. He knows what I've been through. He knows what shit I've done. And I know everything that he does and been through. Like, we're both so open and totally honest to each other (the honesty part, i think so..hahha).

But seriously, I think I'll be getting married soon. With the firefighter, maybe??? or with a teacher??? with HIM??? who knows.... maybe i'll take it easy on myself..hehehe.... i'll see how things go when i move the LBC. Oh maybe it's just the pre valentine's blue *boohoo*

Will keep you posted

2007

okay, i just wrote a title, but never really got to writing. duh!

a trip to the ER

I have been trying to figure out how to log in to my blog account but have realized that I have been typing in the wrong user name. I forgot what I signed up for as a username and have been really lazy to retrieve the blah blahs...

It's a quiet Saturday night here in Cali. I have so tired this whole week - dealing with teachers and students, though the student part I really don't mind. But this blog isn't really all about work, it's about heading to the ER (yes, Emergency Room). This incident happened 3 weeks ago.

This is how it all started.... after being exposed to soccer by a few friends a few years back, I have become an avid fan of the game. Although I didn't care less about the game when I was younger, but having firends who were into the game really influeced me. I was a swimming,basketball, volleyball, baseball fan and the last thing on my mind was to play soccer.

I have been playing in a co-ed league for 3 months now. The people I play with are cool. It's more like the United Colors of Benneton ( we all come from different places/countries). Playing with boys at the same time reminded me of Los Borrachos back in the PI. I miss those guys/girls! I can't wait to play with them again! Anyhow, eversince I got here I haven't really been playing sports. Most of the co-workers just want to go home after work or they're just really lazy.. no wonder there's a high obesity rate here. They just don't wanna get involved in sports... they just want to watch...

When I played 3 weeks ago, I had my first leg cramp. Oh damn it hurt so bad. I didn't realize that it was a cramp. I thought I tored a tendon/muscle/cartilege. I was so scared. On the way home after the game, I could walk properly heck I even drove. But my left ankle would not bend upwards and I started to walk in a weird way after I ate dinner. I went home, thinking that I'd be fine. When I got home, darn, the electric company was doing a maintenance thingy and I had to electricity. Good thing it's summer, that I took a really cold shower. After that, I was walking dragging my leg. I tried to take a nap, but the panicky mean got to me.

I went to the ER, good thing the hospital is just two blocks away from my place. When I got there, I didn't find any parking near the ER, so I had to park my car at the other side of the hospital. Heck, I was really having a bad evening! I waited for 30 minutes, and when it was my turn the nurse asked me all the weirdest questions..... (do not even want to mention). After the nurse's station, I went to one of those rooms. The doctor asked me and all that and I had to get x-rayed. They said I was okay, but I was still worried. This is the climax of my trip to the ER.

The hot nurse assistant put a splint on my foot... I wish it lasted forever! hahaha!!! and after that he was explaining how to use crutches. He brought the crutches in and told me to stand up on those. With my height, I felt like a hanging stick. The adult crutches were too high for me, even at the shortest height that they can put into. So, I ended up with kid crutches. Imagine a 26 year old on a kids' crutches designed with dinosaurs in different colors. And to make matters worse, I had to do a ala catwalk on the way out to the ER.

I didn't think that my first trip to the ER was something to be memorable. I have never felt so embarass in my life. After exiting the ER I had to go walk towards my car with crutches. I tripped and slipped on my way so many times. Another guy passed while i was slipping. GOD!

I end here, I am gonna pawty like it's ma birthday!!!!!

OMFG!!!!!!!

I was channel surfing and bumped into this show, America's Got Talent, so mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's a show where people show their talent, regardless of age and talent. Three people(a group), just started introducing themselves by singing operah style and the X button on top of the stage buzzed. I feel sorry for them, they haven't really done their talent yet and they get booted out!!! Funny, but I feel bad for them at the same time! Just wanted to share.... over and out!

nap

Okay, i just woke up from a really long nap. i must have been THAT tired from fixing my classroom for next school year. I completely redid the whole room design from the butcher paper on the walls, the table setting, computer, etc. name it, I redid it. AND...... I disenfected everything. Since there is a state regulation that we should only use approved disenfectant for schools, I asked the custodian for bottles and bottles of stuff for disenfection. I was spraying it like crazy, that I ended up going home early because my room smelled like pine.

I can't believe the school is over for me. I'm getting sentimental.... going to miss kids who are moving and realizing that my first graders will be a little taller and a little bigger and of course be a grade higher when they come back. I just wish some of them won't grow so that they'll be forever adorable and cute. hahahhahaha.... just a wish!

My friend J.R. just called to have dinner some friends, man, I don't know...sometimes I just want to stay home. I don't have any reasons to stay home since there isn't much to do here, but I don't know why I want to stay home. I'm not tired or anything since I just "napped" for like 4 hours. hmmmm.... I'm thinking if I should follow for dinner or just cook my own food. Well, I don't really cook, it's more of experimenting or reheating food from lunch.

I'm not really good at keeping this blogg thingy updated. So whatever.......

my lay out courtesy of....

thanks to Riane for setting up my lay out. i liked the one with the dots, but i don't know how to edit and add people so i just let Riane do all the work. this is cool. thanks Riane.

11:03 06/06/06

i was meant to start blogging a few months back through the encouragement of Riane, but i never had the time to really sit down, gather my thoughts, and actually put it in print. i'm really not the type of person who would sit down and write my thoughts, rather, i'm a person who would prefer to just talk. but i don't know what's gotten into me right now, what a weird day to start blogging...